Relax

Mindfulness, Zen.

Breathe from your groin, feel your right knee…your thigh, your stomach, your chest, your right arm, your shoulder, your left arm, your little finger, let your whole-body melt through the table…

Yoga, Reiki …?

Bollocks.

Sorry, but I’m just not getting it.

My favourite story with all this new age nonsense was recounted by my wife after a weekend break at some Yoga – life changing tantric massage and womanly bonding – weekend. The ladies were invited to a Reiki session taking place in a large tent filled with incense sticks and chiming bells designed to rid the space of any evil (probably male) vibes.

The participants were asked to lie on the floor with their feet facing the outside of the tent. They were also advised that during the Reiki session they may feel localised heat or a burning sensation as the Reiki took hold of their system – they were asked to ‘go with this’ and to ‘enjoy’ the feelings that this would bring.

The session started and after a few moments my wife’s friend started to feel a warm sensation on her leg – the warmth turned to a burning – then the burning turned to a searing pain ….at which point she jumped up as her leggings were alight.

One of the incense sticks had fallen onto her leg and set her on fire.

I’m all for a bit of relaxation and I’d love to think I could go with a bit of massage or Yoga but I’m too wired to allow my brain to switch off in these sessions. I always just lie there thinking about cash flow or sales targets (sad man that I am) ….

The only way to get me into a state of ‘mindfulness’ is hurtling down a hill on a mountain bike – or driving a car along a technical piece of road where 100% focus is the only way you can be in control.

…. its during moments of extreme danger that I finally find inner peace.

I did test the ‘extreme danger’ theory by goading my wife when she asked recently about whether I ‘liked her new haircut’…. I gave the wrong answer which was extremely dangerous …. this DID NOT lead to any ‘inner peace’…none whatsoever…

duuuh.

Back to the drawing board.

Mike C