Dodgy deals, done cheap

It’s only a matter of time till someone sets up a company that ‘disguises’ Japanese Knotweed in houses that are to be sold.

I can see the adverts now…

‘….we will cover up your knotweed so nobody can tell you’ve got it so you can sell your house knotweed ‘free’ …*’

‘*NB we guarantee that we will want ‘cash’ and won’t be paying any VAT or declaring any accounts this year or ever’…

Currently as a vendor you will be asked whether you have any Japanese Knotweed on your property. Whilst it may be down to the surveyor to spot the tell-tale signs of an infestation – the person selling the property must declare whether they were aware of any issues. If you declare knowledge of the troublesome plant then there will be a cost implication.

As the vendor you will either have to have carried out a treatment programme with a warranty included …or you will be asked to pay for this as part of your house sale. Failure to go along with this request will either mean a large chunk of money being knocked of the sale price or the house sale falling through.

So it stands to reason that where there is money to be made then somebody will come up with a dodgy way round the problem.

Currently I’m imagining:

• Winter House Sale – You cut and incinerate all the surface growth of Japanese Knotweed and cover the surface with either flags or turf (NB this will soon be discovered in Spring)
• Winter House Sale – You stick fake leaves on the erect brown stems with super glue
• Spring House Sale – You paint the new growth green as it emerges and pretend it is asparagus
• Summer House Sale – Remove all leaves and replace with flowers bought from the local LIDL
• Summer House Sale – cut new growth daily and put fence around the infestation – then buy ferocious dog and make this area his kennel – thus stopping anybody looking too closely.
• Summer House Sale – employ team of very attractive partially clothed young men*/women* (depending upon sexual orientation of surveyor ) – have them remove more clothes as surveyor gets closer to knotweed infestation  …thus distracting close inspection..

….or you could be even more stupid and employ a damp proof contractor to carry out your removal works.

For correct advice and a non-dodgy service contact Japanese Knotweed Solutions.