We were recently awarded the title ‘Number 1 – Japanese knotweed contractor in the UK’. The only downside to the award being that …we aren’t …

Don’t get me wrong – we probably are the number one JK contractor in the UK – based on being the longest established company with the best track record of completed projects.

But – dear reader –  nobody voted for us, nobody sent out a random series of questions which – when the answers were compiled – made Japanese knotweed Solutions Ltd the winner of this prestigious award.

No …. somebody simply wrote to us and said would you like the title ‘Number 1 etc.’ and we thought – ‘go on then’. They then of course sent us a bill for the award and the paperwork. Simple as that.

So basically – as meaningful as…. ‘Number 1 bollox bolloxy bollox of the bollox.’

I drove past a local take-away the other day and it has huge posters in the window saying ‘5* Best Restaurant’ – then in smaller letters underneath it followed up with … ‘Best Restaurant for cleanliness in a Balti take-away owned by an independent person (not a chain) in the North of England on the A6 before the second traffic lights’.

Now don’t get me wrong here – but – how many take-away Balti restaurants owned by an independent person (not a chain) are there on the A6 before the second traffic lights?

Answer – none.

So being… ‘the cleanest’… is a bit irrelevant as there are no others to compare it with.

So again, as meaningful as saying … ‘the best Restaurant here on this spot at the moment’.

Basically, bollox then.

What I’m getting at here in my roundabout way is – who do we actually believe is telling us the truth?

 In the past if someone was an award winner it had some kudos. You would think… ‘ooooo this Restaurant won best regional new English cuisine’ and it had some meaning. Now I tend to think …hmmm really …. did they win this or did they just answer an advert saying…? ‘would you like to be a regional winner in the English cuisine category’.

Bollox then

Then we introduce ‘political correctness’ into the equation…?

So …not only do you have to filter through all the potential fake ‘winners’ but then you have to add those that win awards simply through being run by minority groups or having a diverse team front of house. So, they aren’t actually that ‘good’ a place to eat but boy do they push that minority status on the website.

Bollox then.

Cars win awards for being frugal and environmentally friendly. Then we find it’s all a bleeding con run by the big wigs on top of Volkswagen who make millions of quid out of conning us – does anyone get banged up for this …. naaah.

So, you think you’re driving the … ‘cleanest car in its class’, when actually your car is in a class of its own – a class made up by VW – a class called ‘fuck you, you dumb driver who believed what our emissions test results said…’

Bollox then …

I’m actually getting to a point where I don’t believe anything anymore – I’m becoming a cynic.

Today we received a note on headed parliamentary paper asking if we would like to be in the ‘Parliamentary Review’. Others in the office were excited and felt honoured to have been hand selected for this prestigious honour….me I’m just looking for the bullshit detector.

I know how this will go …Lord Arsey Arse will be available to discuss our contribution to the review then there will be an invite to a formal dinner. The dinner in London will be unbelievably expensive and be limited to people that book for 15 or more. The price will be covering all the bloody Lords and their guests getting fed and watered at our expense all for the honour of meeting and being in the same room as Sir Dickless of Poncydom.

Behind the facade of in bred snobbiness they will all be laughing at the naive northern businessmen funding their night of debauchery.

Not me.

More bollox.

So, all bollox then.

Bollocky bollox.

Mike C.


0161 723 2000