APS Days

Author: Mike Clough

Date Posted: Wednesday 15th February 2023

My darling wife has been on at me to be more healthy.

She serves kale at every opportunity and tried to poison me recently with something called Kombucha. Alcohol is deemed forbidden and red meat confined to special occasions.

She is looking at holidays that involve yoga and Pilates with menus that are strictly vegan.

I cannot be the only one thinking that maybe we need an alternative to this sort of thinking?

Maybe the ‘anti- spa day’ …maybe the opposite of a spa? …maybe an ‘Aps day’?

You arrive at the hotel in your V8 or V12 petrol car with a modified exhaust system sliding sideways into your reserved car park space – there are no charging points for electric vehicles.

On arrival you are served bacon sandwiches with possibly a pint of Guinness.

You are ferried to your room by golf buggy and on settling in you notice a fully stocked mini fridge containing chocolate, more beer and crisps of the salted variety – full fat.

Having spent half an hour soaking in the bath – which has a tv and a minibar set up on the side you are given a relaxing massage and buffed dry with soft towels.

Dinner has no vegan options and consists of meat cooked in various ways served with real spuds – none of the ‘sweet potato’ nonsense.

Greens are on the table, but purely for ornament.

Beer and wine flow freely and a huge list giving a selection of single malts follow the desserts and cheese course.

Walking and anything energetic are frowned upon whilst off road driving and shooting things is encouraged.

Fishing is considered compulsory, the ghillie carries the rods but is on a vow of silence and cannot speak other than to point out the location of the fish.

Most importantly nobody else is allowed on this holiday other than me.

I don’t have to fly anywhere to get to the destination.

I don’t have to have a passport.

I don’t have to speak to anybody.

My mobile phone is left at home.

I think I may be onto something with this ….


Mike C

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Mike Clough

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