Unprotected sex January 30, 2019

You just wouldn’t do it would you?

Somebody you barely know, maybe you met them in a car park adjacent to a dodgy looking piece of waste ground…and they told you they had loads of money.

Surely though you wouldn’t just have sex with them without any kind of protection…?

Yet, my friends,…. some people expect you to do just that.

Ok not the sex thing but almost as bad.

They expect you to remove their Japanese knotweed problem without a proper purchase order and payment terms being agreed.

Don’t do it.

Just say no.

Mike C

Guest rant. January 23, 2019

It has come to my attention that people like it when I have a rant. Many have also commented that they would also like to… ‘let off a bit of steam’ … but currently have no outlet to do so.

I am therefore opening the door to anyone who would like to have a guest rant – whether it be anonymously or named.

Obviously, we will vet the content and make sure that people ARE offended and the necessary villains ARE named and shamed.

Please send your efforts in an unmarked plain brown envelope.

Mike C

Nobody touched my balls over Christmas January 16, 2019

In an effort to gain readers I have been thinking that the titles of my blogs needed to be a bit more ‘racey’.

I have been surprised to note that my attempts at Christmas decorations on the tree in front of my house were not vandalised over the holidays.

 My balls remained untouched and my tinsel was not pulled.

 You will all be relieved to note that my wife’s Christmas bush was also left intact.

 Mike Clough


Happy New Year

A Mindless Growing Machine…. January 15, 2019


If you would like us to send you our JAWS poster, please click here.

To watch our version of the movie trailer, click here.

Lump sum versus re-measure. January 9, 2019

It would appear that the quantity surveyors ‘want their cake’ and to be able to ‘eat it’ as well.

When quoting for Japanese Knotweed removal there is always the question of – ‘what is going on beneath the soil surface’. The roots and rhizome of Japanese Knotweed are known to extend beneath the ground and have been quoted as being ‘two metres in depth and extending 7 metres in all directions’.

This is a guide and is not a definitive figure – and is only for guidance.

In reality the plant can grow to much less depth and reduced distance – sometimes it does go two metres deep and seven metres outward – and in rare occasions has been known to exceed these figures.

So much of what we do when quoting for removal is educated guess work. We know roughly how long the plant has been growing and what the soil conditions are – thus we can give a fairly accurate idea of quantities based on over twenty years’ experience.

To improve on this ‘guesswork’ we can dig trial bore holes and give a better more accurate quote. There is a cost for these works (machine and labour) but it can end up saving the client tens of thousands of pounds by removing the risk element of somebody quoting a huge figure and then billing for spurious amounts of contaminated material that simply haven’t been removed.

Let’s just put this out there – the fairest way to bill for these type of projects is re-measure.

We give a quote for how much per wagon load of waste to leave site – based on soil samples and % of Japanese knotweed and we simply remove the problem – and bill for what’s been done.

However – this means that your project has a problem.

The price is open ended and could go either up or down depending on what is found.

Quantity surveyors and clients don’t like this – understandably – and want a ‘fixed price lump sum’ – so that they can do the math’s on their project and work out whether its profitable and viable to build.

This means that the ‘risk’ is passed on to the sub-contractor.

Now in most cases I’m prepared to accept this ‘risk’. I’ve been doing this a long time and we pretty much know what we are doing. The risk is that there might be a little bit more taken off and we lose a little money – with the benefit that occasionally a little bit less might be removed and we make some extra money.

I’m happy to work with clients if this is what they want.

But for fucks sake – please, please save me from the quantity surveyor that wants a ‘lump sum’ then when less is taken off – he wants a ‘credit note’.

Jeez – yes it happens.


Mike C

Restaurants January 2, 2019

Wow…. another new restaurant opens in Manchester.

The place gets amazing reviews, the decor is stunning and the money spent on fixtures and fittings must be in the tens, if not hundreds of thousands.

The service is superb and the plates, cutlery and settings are all of the highest of quality.

But the food?

Mwah …tastes like somebody just popped it in the microwave?

Then the next day you discover that the chef that was involved with the opening of the place has left. The first few weeks that were written about and praised for the quality of the food were all related to famous chef who is now no longer there.

During the grand opening phase it was impossible to get a table and queues spread around the block. So you book a vacancy for the first possible time that you can get in…and ….low and behold ….it’s rubbish.

Talk about style being in place of substance.

Correct me if I’m wrong but if the food ain’t right, then the whole point of your venue is fucked.

Yes I was repeatedly asked if everything was ok…yet ‘no’ I did not flag up that the soup wasn’t piping hot and the lobster wasn’t fresh and the pasta was chewy. I didn’t do this because it would have ruined my evening and put me into a stressful scenario which to be honest was not the reason that I was going out.

I wanted to relax with good food in a good atmosphere at a reasonable price.

In Manchester this seems hard to find.

Any suggestions anybody??

Mike C