Box Sets March 28, 2018

So here is my theory about box sets.  Let’s face it, the art of editing a film has died.

This first came to my attention in the ‘Riviera’ series where the main character was seen walking up some stairs, down the same stairs, across the dining room then into the kitchen, getting a drink then walking back up the stairs again.

I had randomly been watching the clock and noticed that this high action sequence had taken 15 minutes and had achieved exactly nothing in plot, nothing in dialogue and had zero interest ….not even a bit of gratuitous nudity.

This then became an obsession of mine; watching various programs packed and sold as box sets – over a period of say 12 hours ….which, carefully edited, would have produced a film of about an hour and a half.

I’ve then begun to notice the adverts that accompany these box set sales packages.

The same bloody things rammed down our throats in every break between programs – bloody Volvo – I’m so used to having these cars pushed at me that I now feel they are part of the plot of the program.  The cinematography on the Volvo adverts is often far better than the box set that they introduce…in fact the adverts are shorter and better.

So I’m fairly convinced that the people that sell these box sets and sell the advertising must think we are all morons.  Morons sitting playing on our phones only half watching the programs and only concentrating when it’s adverts time (‘Volvo’  ….said in a Swedish accent …) …

Well can I, for one, strike back against this apathetic programming and ask for the return of editing.

The return of dialogue that actually adds to the plot.

The reduction in the use of the word ‘fuck’ which appears to be used as a verb by many writers.

The return of action that isn’t CGI and a return to old fashioned values where the hero wins and the bad guys all get what they deserve.

Perhaps some simpler plot lines that do make sense and please stop kidnapping children and making us all feel uneasy.

Maybe a few less women getting badly treated and maybe a few happy family scenarios where the dad didn’t do it….

Mike C

Russia March 21, 2018

How many war films have you watched where at the end you’ve gone… ‘hmmm so that was a really good idea..’ ?

How many war films have you watched where you’ve gone …. ‘oh my god how stupid, why would anyone allow so much death and misery for nothing’ …?

So let’s agree – war bad.

War bad – repeat ….

Now correct me if I’m wrong – but – declaring in the Times newspaper that we are about to launch a ‘secret’ cyber-attack ….might…just might…be both ‘not a secret’ and also ‘not a good idea’. Surely to goodness, somebody must have worked out that if you do something to me, and I do something back to you ….it will just get worse and worse until somebody launches a nuclear weapon.

The ONLY way to resolve such issues is to sit around a table with all parties openly talking about what their issues are.

The second part of my problem with all of this – do you really think Russia will be scared of Theresa fucking May? Really ??..Scary..?? Theresa May is about as scary as …my mum. The Russian leader fights bears, wrestles naked and catches fish with his hands. He rides horses bareback and shits in the woods. This is not a man to ‘cow tow’ to someone with a blue rinse and a knitting pattern under her arm. This man kills for fun.

Talk about prodding a bear with a stick. I would guess that Russia could wipe the UK off the Earth in about three minutes flat if they wanted to. I’m not saying we should run scared of them but maybe a little more diplomacy before threats would have been a bit more circumspect?…

You’re all waiting for Mike’s theory aren’t you…??

Well – I’m old enough to remember Margaret Thatcher and Tony Blair. Both, by my reckoning utter shits and both of them wanting fame and fortune and with a wish to do something …  ‘glorious’.

I felt both of these nutters wanted to be remembered as the next Winston Churchill…and….both of them realised that prime ministers during peacetime don’t get much press.

…but…dear reader….imagine the chances for rhetorical speeches and rousing the masses with words of war – these are the leaders that get remembered.

So my theory is that Thatcher and Blair both wanted a bit of an excuse to take the pressure off the financial accounts and the fucked up state that the countries coffers were in.

Their thinking was… ‘let’s take their minds off the recession by giving them a war to think about.

So if you run with this theory this would suggest that Theresa is after keeping her position as PM, she’s thinking let’s rattle up a little war to keep everyone occupied and I can start writing my speech… ‘ we will fight them on the beaches, we will never surrender…’

Down side is… she has miss-judged it and hasn’t realised that the UK will just be a puff of radioactive dust and Putin won’t even have broken into a sweat.

Ho hum.

Mike C

Paddington 2 March 14, 2018

Why can’t the world be like the start of ‘Paddington 2’?

 A world where everyone knows your name and shouts out ‘good morning’ or gives you a newspaper or makes you a marmalade sandwich as you make your way to work?

I watched the film with great anticipation and wasn’t disappointed. A real ‘feel good’ movie where the moral of the story was to ‘look for the good’ in people. This film has been the ‘most positively reviewed film’ …of all time …apparently. From these reviews you must think that people like the message and approve of the overall way the world is portrayed by the writers.

So… why is everyone in the real world so bloody miserable most of the time?

I go for a long walk every morning as part of my new health awareness campaign – and on these walks I come across other walkers pretty much the same people every day. Now as a child I was always encouraged by my father to speak to people when out walking – a cheery ‘good morning’ or ‘isn’t it a lovely day’ or ‘hi – how are you’ – my dad taught me that to ignore people whilst out in the countryside was just rude and only ignorant people would not pass the time of day with you.

Well I’m afraid if that last statement was true – then there are an awful lot of ignorant people in the world.

Not only do people ignore you but they are so bloody selfish in their actions whilst out in the beautiful Peak District. I despair at the amount of litter left on Sheffield Road.

What sort of person throws McDonald’s wrappers out of their window, tin cans, beer bottles and even nappies ….

I find it one of the most depressing things in life. Not so much because lives are threatened or it’s dangerous in any way – but I just end up thinking if people are so bloody thoughtless what hope does the environment or in fact the world have?

Fly tipping – again one of my real bug bears. What the hell are people thinking when they drive over the Snake Pass and leave …. a bed …in a lay by. I’ve seen bathroom suites and kitchen units just lying in a picnic spot.

What the fuck are these people thinking?

Doggy poop bags? OK so we all think that letting your dog poop in the middle of the pavement is a bad idea. But …. putting this vile excrement in a non-biodegradable bag then leaving it on the side of the footpath – how – please tell me – how …. can this possibly be a better idea???????

Please can we go back to thinking about each other?

Please can we start thinking about the environment and perhaps thinking beyond the end of the next five minutes.

Who do you think picks the litter up?

Who clears the fly tipping …?

How long does that doggy poop bag take to bio-degrade…???

Smile when you’re out walking, say hello, pass the time of day ….and maybe take some marmalade sandwiches and pass them out to complete strangers.

Mike C

Rant March 7, 2018

Ok…so what the fuck is going on with the world?

I’ve been hit with various health issues recently and have been looked after by the NHS. The ‘wonderful’ NHS. The NHS is just there for you when you need it…it does what it says on the tin and it does it to the best of its ability.

I’ve come out of the health care system still alive (thanks all) – not only still alive but also thinking … ‘I should do something for the NHS’.

My problem is – where do you start?

I’m a business man – I pay my taxes. I contribute to society …. but …let’s be honest here, I’m not exactly high profile with political issues. I vote – I didn’t want BREXIT and I voted to stay in Europe and as usual …I lost.

In fact, I can safely say I’ve never voted for a winning party …. ever.

So, where the hell do I start with my mission to help the NHS? Do I write to my local MP? Should I have some sort of fund raising campaign? It’s all so fucking helpless…. nothing I do will make the slightest difference.

This is not helped by the fact that – when I was a younger man – I assumed that members of parliament and those that make the decisions by which we all are governed…. were wise and sage elders of society with no other wish than to serve the people who voted them into power.

Now unfortunately as I have aged – these ‘elders’ are now younger than I am. Not only are they younger than I am – I even know some of them – they are often inexperienced wet behind the ears, self-serving, money grabbing …. sons of bitches.

One that I know (who shall remain nameless) was a spineless little shit that often whined to his parents about my behaviour – getting me into endless trouble – now cited as the ‘most powerful man in Westminster’. All he has ever done with his life is marry the ‘right’ person. He’s never had a business, he’s never earned power and respect by his actions – only by the power of his bank balance as provided by his wife’s parents.

If it is these people (and it is) that are running the bloody country – what hope have any of us got…?

I hear of foreign aid being given to the likes of Oxfam (£38 million) – and it being used for procurement of prostitutes. I hear of ministers lining their own pockets on a daily basis involving houses in London and rents and claims for travel and expenses.

…. then whilst in hospital my notes were taken on toilet roll (I kid you not) …because funding cuts had left them short of note paper.

I am absolutely convinced we are all being manipulated by these hustlers – but what can we do?

I’m not even sure if you all voted me in as next Prime Minister that I wouldn’t be swayed by the power and the money….

I’d probably have a flurry of decent projects that I would run with…boost the NHS …. get a few more policemen …make sure we have an armed force that can actually do something….

Then you’d find me building a bloody great floating island for my ducks using public money and I’d be screwed….

Mike C