Crap, crap …. crap November 25, 2020

Is crap the new black?

Can anybody name me anything that’s actually improved in recent times? I’m talking pretty broad range here I know…but bear with me.

I bought a new Audi RS6 recently, it’s the third one I’ve had …and strangely it’s by far the worst one of the three. You would think progress would have smoothed a few wrinkles, new design would have maybe improved power output, or maybe made the car a little more frugal on the petrol usage.

But no, dear reader …what we have is a car that is blisteringly quick …but not very well built. Stuff drops off. Not major stuff, just door handles and wiper blades and stone chip protectors. Oh, and the electrics are a joke.

In my previous dealings with Audi, I knew that drivers’ mats would be tissue paper thin and that they would not be able to do a quality product. Through digging around a few years back I found a company called Ambassdor. I chased up my contact at Ambassador mats and found that they have ceased trading – Ambassador mats were brilliant – great product, great company – not cheap but good quality – and now they are no longer in business.

Googling around the internet I found another company professing to offer the same product as Ambassador. I ordered the mats and they were delivered yesterday – and they are …. absolute crap. Straight in the bin.

Socks, underpants – the mainstay of the British gentleman’s wardrobe – all rubbish. You wash them once they shrink and you can’t wear them again.

Shampoo, deodorant, soap – all last about five minutes.

Perfumes from Tom Ford might smell great …but they cost more than your life savings and last about a week.

Food from Marks and Spencer – I used to walk 2 miles at lunch to get a M and S prawn sandwich – they now taste like something nasty died and fell between two slices of bread. Uuurrrggghhhh just nasty.

Pork pies – again just do not taste like they used to.

Bread – as previous.

Beer – rubbish.

Peanut butter – bluurggh what’s happened?

Water – tastes like a chemical spill.

Vegetables – all taste the same.

Fruit – all seems to have been frozen.

Something is going on with the world whereby quality and innovation are being left behind and all we are left with is cheap shite.

 

Mike C

7 not 2 November 18, 2020

So, you’re all in a hump about having to stay 2 metres apart from people?

Imagine if you lived in the world of Japanese knotweed, where 7 metres social distancing is required? Japanese knotweed spreads to a potential 7 metres beyond its surface growth and can often exceed these figures. Keeping a safe distance involves staying further away than a measly 2 metres. It would certainly curtail any conversations you might be having…. well, certainly any private conversations. You can’t really discuss your intimate issues when shouting at somebody 7 metres away can you?.. ‘…. yes, I’ve got a rash on my…’

So, you’re in a hump about wearing a little face covering?

When you’re dealing with Japanese knotweed you’re wearing a hazmat suit, eye protection, gloves, wellies ….etc

Worried about house prices during the pandemic?

Properties impacted by Japanese knotweed can drop in value by as much as 50%.

Worried about your social life?

Having Japanese knotweed is as popular as a sexually transmitted disease. Nobody’s coming to your house until you’ve taken the full cure or chopped it off.

I’m just saying ….

It could be worse.

Mind you …you could have Japanese knotweed and Coronavirus ????????

 

Mike C

Sleep Deprived November 11, 2020

Sorry, but I’ve forgotten how to sleep.

Can anybody please remind me – where do your arms go when you’re sleeping…. ?

Mine seem a bit lost.

Ideas gratefully received.

  

Mike C

Think like a Dog November 4, 2020

I’m beginning to think that my dog has life sussed.

She has food, water, treats, a variety of comfy beds, an open fire to relax in front of…and two servants to grant her every wish……what more could a dog want?

It’s got me to thinking that maybe we should all be thinking the same way.

When she’s tired she just falls asleep.

When she wants food, her bowl is always full.

Water always available.

Treats to chew on, toys to play with …even a weasel to hump (don’t ask)

…. but I got to tell you – she’s pretty damn happy. She’s not moping around, worrying about the end of the world. She’s not watching the news or reading the paper and wondering where it’s all going to end.

She wakes up every morning like it’s ….THE BEST DAY ….EVER…

She rolls on her back and gets me to rub her tummy like it’s the first time she’s ever had a tummy rub.

She runs out for a wee – whilst also clearing the garden of pheasants and squirrels.

She eats her breakfast and savours every mouthful ….then she jumps around till I agree to play with her for at least an hour.

Walking for her is just the best treat ever and she loves meeting new people daily.

It’s a pretty damn simple life …but she just puts so much into every moment that she’s awake.

I’m convinced that during these emotionally draining times – dogs are showing us the answer – chill out, relax, stay warm, stay safe ….maybe don’t ask for tooo much ….

…and maybe just poop whenever and wherever you feel the urge   ….and get somebody else to clear up your mess ????‍♂️????

 

Mike C????

Think like a Dog November 4, 2020

I’m beginning to think that my dog has life sussed.

She has food, water, treats, a variety of comfy beds, an open fire to relax in front of…and two servants to grant her every wish……what more could a dog want?

It’s got me to thinking that maybe we should all be thinking the same way.

When she’s tired she just falls asleep.

When she wants food, her bowl is always full.

Water always available.

Treats to chew on, toys to play with …even a weasel to hump (don’t ask)

…. but I got to tell you – she’s pretty damn happy. She’s not moping around, worrying about the end of the world. She’s not watching the news or reading the paper and wondering where it’s all going to end.

She wakes up every morning like it’s ….THE BEST DAY ….EVER…

She rolls on her back and gets me to rub her tummy like it’s the first time she’s ever had a tummy rub.

She runs out for a wee – whilst also clearing the garden of pheasants and squirrels.

She eats her breakfast and savours every mouthful ….then she jumps around till I agree to play with her for at least an hour.

Walking for her is just the best treat ever and she loves meeting new people daily.

It’s a pretty damn simple life …but she just puts so much into every moment that she’s awake.

I’m convinced that during these emotionally draining times – dogs are showing us the answer – chill out, relax, stay warm, stay safe ….maybe don’t ask for tooo much ….

…and maybe just poop whenever and wherever you feel the urge   ….and get somebody else to clear up your mess ????‍♂️????

 

Mike C????